I am not a professional caregiver, just a daughter who spend the last 20+ years helping her parents. I started just finding ways to make their lives easier as they aged, then it progressed. Dealing with strokes, cancer, a brain tumor, caring for them though in-home hospice and finally, holding their hand as they died.

Now after the last 10 years of being a full time 24/7 caregiver, I find myself an adult orphan. I have a head full of 20+ years of caregiving experience and asking myself “what next?” Where do I go from here, how do I move on and what to?

My goal with this blog is two fold. First and foremost, to share what I have learned along the way. What worked for us and what didn’t. Things that added value to our lives and things that wasted my time and money. Managing my parents lives and all that included, medical, emotional, all the daily structure and schedule of care and most important for us, that they continue to find joy and happiness in life to the very end. That is the care part of this blog. To share those insights, tricks of the trade so to speak. Also, to create the kind of blog I always searched for but could never find.

The “After” aspect looks to be the harder part for me. After 10 years of barely being able to leave the house to buy groceries, I have to rebuild my life. When it comes to my own care, I’m not so good. My hope is that you follow me on this journey and hold me accountable, encourage and push me when needed.

FAST FORWARD A YEAR…

At some point, in the very near future, I will talk about the year in-between. I think talking about grief is important and it’s a huge part my “after” journey, but for now let’s talk about caregiving.

CARE - laying the ground work

Since this is the start of my blog, I want to share something I did at the very start that paid off in benefits that I had no idea I would need later down the road. Before my Dad’s stroke paralyzed half his body, before my Mom’s cancer diagnosis, they were active, but slowing down. I was living in Chicago and they were in the Philly area, during one phone call, my Mom told me she started to only carry in the groceries that needed to be frozen or refrigerator and leaving the rest for my Dad to unload. I told her I used a grocery delivery service, it was a fairly new thing back then. I looked to see if it was offered in her area but she rejected even the thought of having someone pick out her food. On that same call she asked if I could add an extra day to my visit home at Thanksgiving to help her and my Dad with the annual post thanksgiving house cleaning and Christmas decorating. I agreed to extend my stay, three days later when I knew she would be home, I had cases of their favorite drinks, laundry detergent, the heavy products I know were staples in the house, delivered. She was trilled, the gentleman carried everything right into the kitchen for her. It started with me just doing little things like that then slowly expanding. That trip home at Thanksgiving I picked up menus from all their favorite places that delivered (this was long before Grubhub, even before everyone had their menus on line), once a week, dinner was on me. By the time my Dad had his stroke, I had taken over or helped with so many little things that handing over greater control was an easy transition. They saw me more as a partner in their everyday activities, someone to lean on not as their kid trying to take over their lives. I was a two hour flight away, spending just a few minutes on line or on the phone a week helping them out, I did not realize I was laying the ground work for what was to come next.

After - not what I expected

When my Mom died in 2005, I had a grieving disabled Dad who still needed care, a career that I neglected for 15 + months and relationships that I let flounder. I grieved my Mom but I also had responsibilities that demanded my attention, I had a life that I needed to start living again whether I liked it or not.

As my Dad approached his final days, I knew the process to start living my life again would be different but I thought the grieving process would be the same. This was not my first rodeo, I’ve been here before, you keep pushing through, keep going, do what you have to do until one day missing them does not rip your heart apart.

When my Dad died last year, there was no grief stricken parent left to care for, after over 10 years of being his full time caregiver there was no job to go back to, he was my job. Not only was I grieving my Dad, but I lost my purpose in life. There was no reason or need to get out of bed in the morning. Caregiving changed me, changed my priorities. Yes, I had to find a job, not just for income but for a reason to get out of bed in the morning, but what I really needed was to find happiness, I had been slowly letting joy and happiness leak out of my life for years until there was none. In a future post I will get into more detail about when I realized I had zero spark of life in me and how I pulled myself back together. I think it is important to talk grief, how unique and universal at the same time. It’s a part of loving and being loved and we should not have to pretend we are ok, or put a time frame on it.

So now I am on this journey to build my life anew. I’m not running away to find myself, at least not yet. I am, for now, staying put, cleaning out my folks house, doing repairs on the house and me. Starting my own business, I don’t now if financial security happiness lies in this direction but so far the entrepreneur thing has given me a purpose to get out of bed at 6:30, that’s AM, and work into the night and it is fun, so far. Stay tuned!